Attention! Keep reading even if you don’t have kids of your own. Chances are there are kids or tweens or teens whose lives you do get to speak into….nieces, nephews, step kids, neighbor kids, kids of friends.
Second grade is about the time my son stopped willingly sharing anything. Asking him to give details about his day was futile. I refused to be a parent who let my child slide by with yes or no answers, so I came up with a couple of ways to spark a conversation with Caleb.
(Now, I say I came up with these. It’s quite possible someone else much smarter than me actually invented these ideas. I didn’t research it and I don’t claim to have invented them. That was probably Al Gore.)
Don’t Ask Closed-Ended Questions. For awhile, I failed at this, thinking if I just kept asking questions eventually one would provoke more than a yes or no. That didn’t happen. Asking things like “Did you have a good day?” will only get you a “yes or “no”. On the rare occasion, you may be graced with a “sorta.” Instead, try asking, “Tell me about your day.” Beware: asking “how was your day” can still elicit one-word answers like “fine”, “good,” or “OK.” Have an open-ended follow-up question ready.
Ask for something specific. I realized asking Caleb how his day went was a fairly generic question. One day I decided to try something new to get a few more details and it worked! I asked, “Tell me three things about your day.” Not only did it open up a way for him to share specific events from his day, but it also allowed me to ask follow-up questions, thereby getting to know even more! In fact, this “three things” routine has worked so well he now asks me to tell him three things about my day in return!
Never ask if they had a good day. Why? Because chances are you’ll get a yes/no/kinda answer and then nothing else. I want Caleb to realize that while every day may not be good, there is good in every day. So instead, I ask him to tell me his favorite part of the day and then follow it up with asking for his least favorite part.
Talk in the car. The car is a very laid-back environment. It’s neutral ground and doesn’t require them to make eye contact with you (which they typically don’t want to do). Since it’s so unobtrusive, it fosters a safe place for conversations of all types to go down. These car conversations also pave the foundation for the kids in your life to feel safe coming and talking with you as they grow older and as the worst parts of life go beyond bad cafeteria food.
What are your secrets to having kids open up and talk more?